Michael Jordan poops, is declared worst pooper ever

Streeter Lecka

The Bobcats owner evacuated his bowels yesterday, just like any other human being. But analysts roundly panned him as the worst of all-time anyway.

Plop-splash.

Those were the sounds Michael Jordan heard as he completed a poop, which he thought went "exceptionally well," sources said.

But analysts around the country could not have disagreed more. Even those who did not watch the bowel movement boisterously voiced their opinion on how awful his excrement was.

"I can't even decide what it is," ESPN reporter Chris Broussard said. "Is it solid or what?"

Broussard had not seen the poop before making those comments, but had only seen tweets about it.

Stephen A. Smith was quick to weigh in, as well. "How could he make that poop? He must have been eating only baby food! Is he a baby? HE IS A BABY."

Even the normally contrarian Skip Bayless agreed, plunging their First Take show into chaos. "HE USED TO POOP SO WELL WHEN HE WAS A PLAYER. NOW? GOOD LORD, NOW HE MIGHT BE THE WORST POOPER EVER. HOW COULD THE GREATEST EVER BECOME THE WORST? I MEAN, WE DON'T HAVE ANY FIRST-HAND KNOWLEDGE BUT I THINK IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME THESE THINGS."

"I've made better dung than that," said CBS Sports columnist Gregg Doyel. This comes with much scrutiny as it is common knowledge that Doyel has never taken a dump in his life and lives so uptight a life that his colon is impacted into his skull.

At the time of this story, no one had in fact seen Jordan's poop.

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