As I'm sure you've heard -- no doubt the news has spread like wildfire, broadcast around the world on the foremost news outlets -- world-renowned tall man DeSagana Diop is getting ready for retirement.

Now I'm about to drop some advanced statistics on your mushy brain zones so be careful you're not using q-tips in your ears when you read this. Also, you should probably hide any sharp objects near you.

DeSagana Diop, lovingly called "Gana" for short, will have made $47,024,084 in contract salary at the end of this season.

WELP.

So assuming he's handled his money well, the soon-to-be 31-year-old will likely be heading into retirement with a good bit of free time and a pretty chunk of change to help him get through the rest of his life.

The question for Diop will no longer be "What funny faces will I make when I'm playing basketball on the court?" but "What will I do with all this free time and financial leniency?" (again, assuming he's lived well within his means).

I have some ideas:

• Begin an illegal Cheerwine smuggling ring into Canada. Profit.
• Buy this $5,000,000 Michael Jackson domain name.
• Answer every Missed Connection posting on Charlotte's Craigslist, each time replying "Nope, that wasn't me."
• Finally upgrade to Spotify Premium.
• Start a ska band, pay Kanye West unreasonable amounts of money to produce the albums.
• Just go around places and remind people how much money he made while making this face.
• Play Dikembe Mutombo's 4 1/2 Weeks To Save The World until the world ends.
• Become a "living statue" at SouthPark Mall and scare the crap out of people walking solely for exercise.
• Renovate his house into a set and re-enact every episode of Coach. Before a live studio audience, of course.
• Continue avoiding eye contact with Michael Jordan.